1. Criticism
As humans, we tend to be negatively focused, focused on problems. Much of the interaction between children and authority figures like parents and teachers, tend to be negatively focused. Positive interaction and affirmation is a learned skill. Abraham Lincoln once said, "He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help." There is such a thing as constructive criticism and that's when you become solution focused, with the desire to help where you see there's a need. Don't criticize merely to criticize and be careful with cyber-criticism, which can turn into cyber-bullying. When talking about sensitive topics, it's best to speak face to face rather than through text forms of communication.
The replacement for criticism is affirmation. Challenge yourself not to criticize anyone, not even yourself, for three weeks and then the next time you give a criticism, make it into an affirmation sandwich: affirm, issue the criticism, then follow it up with another affirmation. In order to neutralize the emotional impact of criticism, one must affirm five times more. Children who receive parental affirmation tend to have higher self-worth and thus will more likely develop better relationships with other people.
2. Complaining
Complaining is another bad habit, which is based on an entitlement mentality in which we tell ourselves we deserve better. Every time you complain, you reinforce negative thoughts, which in turn make a problem look bigger and bigger. This eventually leads to low frustration tolerance. While life isn't all good, it isn't all bad either. We have a choice as to what we are going to focus on. In the short term, we tend to get a good feeling out of venting our complaints, but there's a better way to feel better for the long run.
The replacement for complaining is gratitude. When we realize that we really don't deserve the blessings that fall upon us every day in our lives, then we start to feel grateful. Gratitude is the best prescription for those who are negatively focused. In the evening, think of three things you're thankful for and share it with someone, then think of three more things you're thankful for in the following morning and share that with another person. The real problem isn't the problems in our lives, the problem is that we focus on the problems. Gratitude will not only make you feel better, it will motivate you to make positive changes in your life, such as getting more exercise.
Nothing tends more to promote health of body and of soul than does a spirit of gratitude and praise. It is a positive duty to resist melancholy, discontented thoughts and feelings—as much a duty as it is to pray. [Ministry of Healing, p. 251]3. Self-pity
Self-pity is correlated with depression, externality beliefs, internalized anger, increased rumination, loneliness, and distrust. Self-pity is founded on the assumption that you are merely a victim of circumstance. We need to move from an external locus of control to an internal locus of control. Instead of focusing on what you can't do about things that happen to you, focus on what you can do about it.
The replacement for self-pity is taking responsibility. As human beings, we tend to have a distorted sense of responsibility. We tend to either blame others for our own choices or we blame ourselves for other people's choices. It's a sign of maturity when we can accurately take appropriate responsibility for our situation. In order to take responsibility, try to write down five things you could do to help your situation, then ask an accountability partner, someone you can trust, who can step in and make sure you pursue those five options. Finally, learn the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
4. Worry
Worry reacts to the possibility of danger versus the probability of danger. In psychology, this is called hyper-vigilance. This is an unnecessary waste of mental energy since the possibilities of dangers are endless and ironically, it doesn't achieve the protection that it hopes to achieve.
Worry is blind and cannot discern the future... [Ministry of Healing, p. 481]The solution to worry is to trust. All institutions such as family or a church, or even a society at large function on the basis of trust. When trust is lost, relationships of any kind in society will fall apart. Trust and loneliness are related: "Loneliness was negatively correlated with each measure of trust beliefs and trusting behavior." [Journal of Genetic Psychology]
Trust always will come with risks, but it's worth the risk if done intelligently. If you learn to choose your friends and confidants wisely and conduct your life in an intelligent manner, you will be disappointed a lot less by other people. Bonds of trust will help you build a foundation for healthy functioning in you and in your relationships.
5. Avoidance (Procrastination)
The common excuse for avoidance is the lack of motivation. The reality is, all behavior is operative: we're either trying to avoid something or trying to obtain something. If we're not doing one thing, we're going to do something else. Another thing we fail to realize is that God has given us free choice.
The solution to avoidance is opposite action and make a to-do list. "Opposite Action" involves doing opposite of what your emotions would have you do otherwise. If you feel like binging on sugary foods, then go for a walk instead. If you feel like using up your credit cards to go on a shopping spree, go volunteer somewhere like at a soup kitchen instead. Making a to-do list and checking off things you've done will feel rewarding and it will give you the motivation you need to follow through. Your ability of free choice to take action is like a Christmas present waiting to be opened.
6. Emotional Reasoning
Emotional reasoning is when you believe if you feel a certain way, then it must be true. For example, you feel like someone doesn't like you and you assume that it must be so. It's when you assume you're guilty just because you feel guilty. Emotions are like 2-year olds, it's okay to value them, but don't let them behind the wheel to drive your life.
The solution to emotional reasoning is living by principle. Living by principle involves acting on principle, thinking correctly on principle, and you will find that your emotions will follow those correct actions and thoughts.
Motion leads to emotion and when we live by principle, the emotions will eventually follow. Acting based on principle will lead us to believe in what we are doing. It's not about faking it until you make it, but rather "faith it" until you make it. Act on principle by faith and eventually your feelings will align with your actions.
To live by principle, we need to develop emotional intelligence. It's a fact of life that negative events lead to negative emotions, but this can be mediated by something called cognitive processing: the way we think about those events. While you can't directly change your emotions, you can choose to change your thoughts. When you change your thoughts, your emotions will follow those thoughts. Maladaptive emotions are fueled by distorted thoughts about events that occur in life. Examples of distorted thinking include catastrophizing, mind reading, negative filtering, overgeneralizing, dichotomous thinking, "shoulds", personalizing, blaming, and unfair comparisons. These distorted ways of thinking can be replaced with healthy, balanced ways of thinking. In other words, we learn how to tell ourselves the truth. Once we start thinking clearly, then our emotions will match will our thought life and we will feel better.
Living by faith in the principles and promises of God's word makes them real in your life. Think of it as a train with three cars. The first car should be for the engine, which is God's Word. The second car should be for coal for fuel, which is faith. The third car which follows will be the caboose, which would be your feelings. Like passengers, our feelings will come and go, but the train will keep moving as long as the engine of God's Word is fueled within us by faith.
7. Bitterness
Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. It's normal to think about a situation after being emotionally wounded, but dwelling too much on it becomes a problem called rumination, which is when a situation consumes our thinking. What often happens is that even after someone falls into bitterness is that they may end a relationship, but because that bitterness is unresolved, the person will actually find a situation very similar to the previous one and carry on the bitterness due to "unfinished business".
The replacement for bitterness is forgiveness. One of the reasons people hesitate to forgive is because they confuse forgiveness with other things. Forgiveness does not excuse or approve of a wrong. Forgiveness is not reconciliation, you don't necessarily have to enter a relationship, in fact, it may not always be safe or advised. While forgiveness and trust are related, they are not the same thing.
Forgiveness simply is letting go of your "right" to hurt someone else in retaliation. Those who recognize the sinfulness of their hateful thoughts and how they're capable of hurting people are more inclined to forgive. When you have trouble forgiving someone who hurt you, remember times when you hurt someone else. When you accept that you have been forgiven by others who you've hurt, you will be much more inclined to forgive others who have hurt you. Forgiveness is a two way street. You receive forgiveness from God and from others for the things you've done and you bestow forgiveness upon others for the things they've done to you.
Remember than vengeance belongs to God, don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:19-21).
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